Got a toothbrush?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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