Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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