Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
