I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's blow job season.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
