Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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