i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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