i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
