and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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