He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
