So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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