I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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