Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
