you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
