I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
