Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
