On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
