If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Randomize
