So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
