she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
