Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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