in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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