I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
