This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
