She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
