How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
