Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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