it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
