he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
