The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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