walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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