What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I think i got beer on your cat.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
