Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
