your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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