Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
