My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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