hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
