if i can run in heels then i can drive
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
