i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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