I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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