My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
