Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
