you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
