you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
