my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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