I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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