Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
