i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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