hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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