I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
