I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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