I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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