I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
