2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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