If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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