He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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