took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I need water and some morals
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
