apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
